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The Naughty Natal Report

Interpretations of the humorous kind

 

 for:

 

Anna Nicole Smith

November 28, 1967

12:00 PM

Mexia, Texas

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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                 This astrological analysis is based

                 on the following astrological data:

 

                 Sun      5 Sag 49

                 Moon    24 Lib 55

                 Mercury 19 Sco 42

                 Venus   20 Lib 17

                 Mars    27 Cap 37

 

                 Standard time observed

                 GMT: 18:00:00   Time Zone: 6 hours West

 

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Sun in Sagittarius:

 

Sagittarius - Key words: Born Free, and intends to remain that way

 

   Look fast and you may see a Sagittarian comin' round the bend, but when you look again, they are gone. This is the essence of the typical Sagittarian. Don't plan a 13 course meal for your Sagittarius as they are only 1 or 2 course people, and when it's time to move on, it is always at a moments notice. Sagittarians lovemaking partner should be someone who doesn't take the entire process too seriously, so Mr. Sagittarius can put on his pirate outfit and jump from ship to ship yelling Aye, Matey. What the heck, make it an adventure where the audience can join in and revel at the moment.

 

   Everyone knows when a Sagittarius is around or at least in the room, they are usually drunk and acting very badly before, during or after everyone else has gone home.

 

   The greatest Sagittarian attributes are speed of all sorts, fast and dangerous driving, and new girlfriends. A drive in the country is a farce for Sagittarians, as they go driving so people can see and admire them, and not the other way around.

 

   On the job you can always tell the Sagittarians, they are the ones walking out rather than getting fired, and in business Sagittarians are very successful (as a rule) because their ego would not allow any less.

 

   For the typical Sagittarian, casual love making is a good night out, or a night on the town. While they are out on the prowl for whatever their pleasure, the lower the life form they encounter the better is a general rule to follow. Sagittarians would make great cowboys, wanderers, street people or gamblers.

 

   If you are a woman wooing this Sagittarian, a few words of advice, give them lots of room and freedom, and then let them go. You may never see this Sagittarian again, but let them go and see what drifts back in on the tide.

 

   Be forewarned that Sagittarians by nature are slobs in the bathroom, and it would be better for Sagittarians in general to marry a Virgo, who enjoys spending time in the bathroom and would have it disinfected before they got out the door.

 

   Now when it comes to mother in laws Sagittarius, they take their lives in their hands when they come over to your home, because Sagittarians don't take garbage from anyone. A good social evening with your in-laws Sagittarius would be putting them in a corner and telling them to stay!

 

   One of Sagittarius's greatest attributes is divorce, and anything can start the famous saying rolling off their lips "I Want A Divorce". Good times or bad, any season, event, day of the week or minute of the day is the right time, and the prime time for parting of the old, and starting with someone new.

 

   A Sagittarian women communicating to the world is like Tarzan jumping out of a tree, as they have the same impact. They are loud, argumentative, and have the grace of a Hippo stepping on a cantaloupe.

 

   Since the female Sagittarius is so adept at doing two things at once, she may resemble a robot, with the top part of her body doing one thing, while the lower half from the hips down is doing something else.

 

   You can always tell a Sagittarian woman at a party, they are the first ones to take their clothes off, and Sagittarian women can actually scare the hell out of men in the art of making love. Sagittarians can get carried so far away with lovemaking that the male of the species would swear they are on the alps as they open their mouth to yodel.

 

   What are the Sagittarian woman's needs in a man? That's easy, there are only two specifications: Strong, or Stupid.

 

Moon in Libra:

 

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

 

  Home ties can be very important to the Moon in Libra native. Just because they don't live with their parents, doesn't mean they don't have a 200 mile phone line attached to their umbilical cord, with an automatic dialer for times of real emotional crisis.

 

  "I would kill for peace and quiet!", says the Moon in Libra native to their family as they assure you how non-violent they are.

 

  The Emotional neutral Zone belongs to the Moon in Libra native, and you will find they especially love to rearrange and beautify things. Moon in Libra natives are those types of people who, when their spouse or partner goes to work, rearrange the furniture, and when their loved ones get home, they damn near kill themselves falling over the couch that used to be the bed.

 

  Moon in Libra people are so sensitive to their surroundings and need for harmony, that a good fight can keep them hovering around the toilet bowl and throwing up, for hours.

 

  You might be able to tell a Moon in Libra person who is emotionally unhappy by the gallons of water they drink to keep their kidneys in good working order, as that is their weak point.

 

  Moon in Libra natives are so emotionally insecure, that if by the second date you are not discussing marriage, you will be replaced by someone who is. As they get older, they usually get a grip on this tendency, by about the 5th or 6th marriage.

 

Mercury in Scorpio:

 

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

 

   Here is the original two edged sword looking for the chopping block. These people are so secretive, that they don't even talk to themselves, but Scorpio natives are perceptive of others and know just when other people are vulnerable so they can swoop down and pounce on them.

 

   Here is another one of those signs that is overcritical of everyone but themselves, the self appointed judge and jury. They should have be policemen, spies, or detectives, peering into everyone's secret lives like a common criminal.

 

   Love that is mysterious, behind the scenes and down and dirty, that's Mercury in Scorpio. Sounds like love making with 007, with the same air of danger connected with it. Come to think love making while being attacked would be perfect for them. They can probably be found in dark alleys picking up stray cats doing unspeakable things just for the intrigue.

 

   These must have been the original streakers, who ran nude across the campus. Anything bizarre or perverse is fine for them. They should avoid using the concept of running through the streets nude as a tool for sex, because it won't work. Okay, it might!

 

   This kind of person is the movie director who invites you up to his office to audition for him. "Sit on my couch my dear, let's see what develops".

 

Venus in Libra:

 

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

 

  Never come home and say to this person, "Gee, the house looks great!, but you look a bit frumpy!". This will start Niagara Falls flowing.

 

  Expect to find the Venus in Libra home rearranged. . . . often!

 

  They have a talent for nastiness, and can swear so fluently that it frightens everyone. To be fair, there are those who hate coarse behavior. In this instance, body slamming isn't a turn on, and a gentler approach should be sought. Try dipping them in chocolate and let nature take its course. This sign must be careful with chocolates, sweets and excessive sex, as it weakens the kidneys. More water must be ingested to keep them in tip top shape.

 

  Harmony in courtship and marriage is extremely important to the Venus in Libra. Remember you can't seduce them with heavy rock music playing in the background because you may wind up with a very nervous lover.

 

  These people look for relationships that are bonded, like cement, and impossible to get out of unless you disrupt the aura around them (sorry, didn't mean to get esoteric).

 

  Venus in Libra is another air sign which means that you have to go to the cloud they live on to communicate. Just be careful where you step though, it is a long way down. They need mental stimulation so try saying "I love you" in many different voices until you find one that strikes their fancy. Dirty movies live in the realm of mental stimulation, so try a Dirty Harry movie or some pornographic facsimile.

 

  Venus in Libra people may be attracted to older lovers at some point, especially if they have money. They love money as it represents security, and if your intended is much older, then they won't have to wait long to inherit. It's boorish, cruel and the truth. On the other hand, you can be attracted to VERY young ones as well. Here is where the phrase "robbing" the baby carriage came from.

 

  These people have a great sense of hearing. You must be careful when you talk about them because they invented the saying "The Walls Have Ears".

 

Mars in Capricorn:

 

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

 

   Always there and faithful, like laundry day is the Mars in Capricorn native. They prefer to set up specific boundaries with their lover. "This is my side of the bed and that is yours, I don't cross over to your side, and you don't cross over to mine" The sex act now completed, you may both now smoke a cigarette and bask in the rapture of the moment, and back to business as usual.

 

  Mars in Capricorn in intimate moments is like trying to move an immovable object. They use the Military position of love which is the ability to make love while standing or laying down completely at attention with absolutely no bodily parts moving or responding. Kneeling is optional if done carefully. Making love to a Mars in Capricorn person is like trying to hump a dry Martini.

 

  Mars in this position points to a lack of sensuality, but it is overcompensated for by an abundance of materialistic attitudes. If you want to make an impression on this native, give them something material, but expect to be interrogated, as this position of Mars uses this as foreplay. If you pass, you're in. If not, try bigger gifts.

 

  These people are so practical that they actually plan out going to the bathroom and make it an event. If they can charge money for a peek then so much the better.

 

  They have a very high degree of self control and discipline in everything except but being able to go to the bathroom on a regular basis. They have the regularity of concrete. Why? Because rigid thinking and actions dominate the body, both structurally and dietary. The diet is so insufficient with this placement that you may actually find them eating dead things on a cracker thinking they have found ecstasy.

 

  If you really want to impress this person, for their birthday have the house put under attack by terrorists because they love a good challenge. For this reason they would have made great military minds and strategists.